Who i am ~ Part 1 (This blog is not yet complete)

Trauma causes changes and rifts, often unseen or acknowledged, that can manifest in the form of physical, emotional, or even mental sickness. Everyone has dealt with some level of trauma during their lifetime. It can cause our different “quirks”, some aspects of our personalities, and most definitely it affects our decisions and who we allow to be close to us during our lifetime.

It would be far more easy to write about a fictitious character with fictitious circumstances. Writing about my own personal life experiences involves a lot of pain, tears, and memories I cringe to look back on. They have been tucked away, hidden from thought, only brought out casually on occasion to bring comfort or maybe a tiny piece of learned wisdom from. I could just write out a timeline history, facts with little feelings involved for me or the reader, but I guess that would be a pretty boring read. Since I can’t bring you into my mind to see, experience and know about my history, I will have to let myself feel it all again to bring it to life for you. I don’t have a time machine, or any sort of realistic magical device to take you there, so I will take the advice I heard given to someone else recently: I will make my words count.

As I am writing this, I can feel God uncovering areas I didn’t realize were even there. I am incredibly aware of my own humanity, and just that wonderful amazing Grace God released into my lfe to compensate for the lack of…well, everything.

It has always been easy for me to put others first, to be drawn to the hurting or someone in need, to care deeply about those who are lonely.

I never honestly realized that there wasn’t anyone fighting for me, no one standing up for me, no one reaching out to help me through all that awful darkness. I had convinced myself that I was tough, but in reality I was just so vulnerable. And lonely. And, I’ll admit now: scared.

I fought for me, but most of the time, the odds were stacked against me, and I was put in my place. I was completely aware of how stupid I was, how worthless, how I just caused people problems, and how I was always just in the way. I was told all of that pretty often by those I trusted to tell me the truth. If I got upset about it, I was told I was just too sensitive and to get over it. Compassion wasn’t something I was deserving of.

What I didn’t know was how I could rise above all of that and become someone others wanted around. I still haven’t learned that. I will never learn that, it seems. But, now I know who I am in Christ Jesus. That is the dfference. I am forever in His debt for saving me my life and allowing me to leave it all behind to start over in following after Him.

The only way I could do that would be if I became someone else. I wanted to be someone, anyone, other than me, desperately. I wished I were the pretty girl at school who seemed so confident and everyone really seemed to like her. But, I was completely unlikeable. Even by her. I suppose I can’t blame her. I was probably pretty annoying.

So, in reality, I try very hard to be for other people what I have needed others to be for me.
There was no one for me. I can’t bear the thought of there possibly being no one for someone else.

Other people I have talked with over the years that have shared their stories, they had someone who stuck up for them and tried to help them. I was alone. I was treated as less important than anyone else. I had to leave that all completely behind in order to find solid ground to start over again.

As you are reading this, if you, or someone you know of is dealing with any of these issues, please seek help. There are local counseling services, many that will work within a specific budget if money is an issue. There is also this #:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK

I will be adding a “contact me” link very soon, as well. I am Always willing to listen, pray, and give advice from my own in depth life experiences. If you feel you have no one to talk with, please, talk with me.

At the top of this page are links to the other pages of my story.

Advertisements